Dear Ms Psyche,
I have a dilemma. I’m engaged to be married but I don’t love my fiancee. Don’t get me wrong, I like him, we get along well, he meets a lot of my requirements for a spouse, but there’s no mushy mushy feeling.
I’m beginning to think the whole thing is mechanical $ sterile, and I’m worried about getting bored in the marriage.
Hey favour, how are you?
When I got your mail, I did some research on ‘Love before or after the vows, which is more enduring?’ And I found out its neither. What does this mean?
Love is an emotion, especially romantic love, and just like all emotions; it’s transient. That is; it fluctuates, it grows, it dies. To keep it alive, you have to work on it.
Let me use this analogy: a person who wants to be a successful actress(you want to a happy, enduring marriage), she goes to school, graduates, auditions(you prepare yourself for marriage. You do know about preparing yourself for marriage, don’t you?), she gets acting roles(you get married), she constantly practices, studies, improves herself(constantly refresh your marriage, love your husband), eventually she will get to the zenith of her career(your marriage will succeed). It’s a continuous process in which yesterday’s love wouldn’t see you through, it needs to be refreshed and worked upon with determination from both parties.
Boredom in marriage arises irrespective of if the love comes before or after, when you let your marriage go stale. That’s why you need to work on it. When you work on your marriage you won’t get to the boring stage, or the stage wherein you guys begin to annoy each other even without provocation.
The mushy mushy, sparky feeling can fade with the realities of marriage, and isn’t a guarantee of a happy marriage. So also if you enter into a marriage with the hope of loving your partner with time; that love might not materialise. Despite that it’s a given that women love easier and with time, there are always exceptions.
Also, you didn’t tell us how your fiance feels about you and the upcoming marriage(although it isn’t really possible to tell how another person feels, except what he/she shows). It’s important that you both are on the same page, with shared commitments and values, because the saying ‘it takes two to tango’ is so true in marriage.
My thoughts for you and your fiance is: Marry The One You Love, Love The One You Marry.
I love hearing from you,